Tonight I did the most stupid thing I could ever have done. Well, scratch that, i did the two, three, ok, third worst thing I could have ever done! And man, oh, man…. did I love it. I have an extreme headache and dissapointed fans, but hey, that’s the life of a liar, and sneak, and gee-willakers a down right Gemini named Arcelia. I bet I really shouldn’t rant about being a monster, but hey, I like preaching it!!! Anyways, before I go, I have to say, I love being 18 now. I’m about to move out, start spreading my wings, etc, etc. And is it fate? I don’t know, but on my birthday, I met someone. He’s a downright awesome guy, a little too jock-like for my tastes, but still, quite the amazing fellow!!! He lives really far though, and it’s kind of annoying whenever we try to accomplish the task of seeing each other, but still, change in the house of Gemini should be considered a good thing. I am hoping to see him tomorrow at Bassnectar, and I’m going to do what any girl down on her money luck would do… SNEAK INTO REDROCKS!!! YAY! I want to see Bassnectar really badly and it’ll be my first Dub show there. So yes, Can’t wait. Plus, I get to see my man there.

Anyways, back to my first topic of disscussion; so i re-met my ex last week: his names Alex, and he’s what you call, hmmmm, A junkie. He does a lot of heroin, and is going out with a girl that I used to call, “friend.” But I do suppose friend is only a four letter word, if anyone taking the time to read this gets my song hint. But anyways, I saw him, and usually when I see him, he always sparks attraction in my eyes, however, now that I saw him again, after everything that has happened, I no longer find ANYTHING in him. Weird to me. I even attempted forcing myself to find what I loved about him, and I just couldn’t. HA! I was amazed with myself. I think, if anyone’s still reading, I really lost my soul to the “Who gives a shit” card. Like I mean really, I can’t care about anything anymore. Not, my life obviously, not what my friends say. It’s like I put a mute on my feelings and self being. I have found that i am like, gee i don’t know a multitude of people. Like almost as if I become another person with a set group of people. I am still me, and it is still all my personality traits, but I can’t be the same with a mix of two groups! I feel so confused on what to say and how to act, that I just stay quiet. It’s weird. Makes me think that nothing’s here, or nothing matter’s. Which again, makes me think… Who the fuck gives a shit!?!? Because I certainly don’t.

So again, anyways, I’d keep saying about what I did, but unfortunatly, I, contradicting myself, Cannot say what I did, because i still have a friend on here, that would certainly size me up and possibly judge me. I would like to say that they wouldn’t, but then again, I thought another person knew me to my core and out the other side, and still, I was blamed for something I didn’t do. But hopefully, my, “poor damned soul,” can find to be forgiven by, whatever it is that does that kind of shit. I don’t know, and frankly, I really wouldn’t care if there was a god. But all I can say is this: not caring, has brought me more benefit’s and grants, and approvals, and whatever else that is positive in my life than it ever has caring about what other;s think, what my mom wants me to do, who i can be, blah blah blah…. I am FREE, not as the bird though, I ate that bird a while ago, I am the host living from that meal bird. And the sky isn’t the limit. there are more things to discover about myself by the ticking seconds. God, I hate this life. So, I’m goig to recreate it in my own image. Goodnight everybody!

Since everything has started out for me, I thought that my life had lost it’s significance and meaning. Everything was so bland. Nothing made sense. I listened to my friends and gave them advice without actually listening, without emotions. Now, that I grabbed hold of myself again (through the only way I could it seems) I feel like I can actually BE myself again. But only around the monsters that were made and made to act similarily to me. Not the same, but to a point of understanding and longing. No matter where in the world I’ll go, I know a monster when I see one. And familiarity like mine is hard to lose.  Thanks to all the stoners, junkies and freaks, I feel good.

Emotions are such trivial things. I prefer to just analyze and think things through.

All is done. I am back to the way things were ment to be. It’s unfortunate, but I finally feel like me again. I can see the world for how it truly is. Or rather, I see the world the only way kids in my town can see the world. Through the blinding feel of Alice In Chains, In a metaphorical sense anyways. So, lets forget the world and remake it in our own image. And of course I am refering to: “the stoners, junkies and freaks.”

It’s time to fight the world, and FUCK the norm. Take another hit, step closer to the edge and bet it all! We don’t care, this is who we are. being predisposed has nothing to do with our state of being. This is what we chose, and now there is no looking back. Fuck being perfect, Fuck looking your best. If your happy then I say, FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!  No one tells you shit what to do. THE beauty of life is the imperfections and the scum attached to it. Thank nothing that I’m finally home. man, it feels so good.